#1 THE SONG OF RASPUTIN
Ra Ra Rasputin! You’re likely familiar with Boney M. Rasputin song:
#2 RASPUTIN’S EYES
Or maybe you know Rasputin the Mad Monk, who tried to murder Anastasia in the Disney movie. We all hated the bloke. But the infamous muzhik (peasant in Russian) was a dubious character, whose cause of death and autopsy made of him an almost supernatural figure. Rasputin’s eyes, intense, and pale blue, casting a mesmerising gaze, those soothing blue orbs hiding an almost invisible sensual beast underneath. And equally strong was his, to quote his detractors: goat smell.
#3 THE MAD MONK RASPUTIN
Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin was born on 21st January (Old calendar: 9th January) 1869, in the village of Prokrovskoye, Siberia. Literally, in the middle of nowhere. He was a son of peasants, which was likely the only occupation available in -40 degrees Siberia.
Apart from his near illiteracy, a common characteristic in the overwhelming peasant population of the Russian Empire, not much was known of the man whose spark ignited the Russian revolution and whose debauchery inspired alcoholic ‘Rasputin drinks’.
In 1886 he married Praskovya Dubrovina, and of their children, only Dmitry, Maria and Varvara survived to adulthood. In 1897, he left family behind, and went on a pilgrimage to the monastery of St. Nicholas, in Verkhoturye. Its members, the Khlysty sect, looked for God through orgies. Hopefully they’re still open to applicants nowadays. Rasputin also pilgrimaged to Mount Athos, in Greece.
“I go for cigarettes. Coming back in a minute wife”
When he finally returned, Rasputin was a changed man. He became vegetarian, quit drinking, prayed more than ever, and no longer played videogames. At least that’s what he said.
While still a faithful married man, Rasputin developed a habit of travelling frequently, spending more and more time in the pub. Sorry, praying. And when he was in Prokrovskoye, a group of acolytes followed him everywhere, like ducklings.
“I don’t like your friends. They drank all the Vodka”
Praskovya Dubrovina, 1901
Despite his new fanatic pals, and the negligent involvement with the children, Pravskoya remained loyal to him. Between 1902 and 1904, Rasputin travelled to Kazan, where he was recommended to Bishop Sergei, in St Petersburg, the imperial capital.
He became friends with the Theofan of Poltava, the later personal confessor of the Tsar Nicholas Romanov and the Tsarina Alexandra Fyodorovna. It was Theofan who introduced Rasputin to Grand Duchess Militzia, the wife of a cousin of the Tsar. And Militzia introduced the shabby and grimy starets (Russian for spiritual father) to the tsarina Alexandra in 1905.
#4 RASPUTIN, LOVER OF THE RUSSIAN QUEEN
The son of the Tsar, the Tsesarevich Alexei, suffered from haemophilia. And Rasputin seemed to be the only one capable to ease his excruciating pain during the bouts, which swelled his body and confined him to bed. In 1912 Alexei was at death’s door, but Rasputin sent a telegram, reassuring Alexandra that the boy would survive, and urging her not to allow the doctors to touch him.
The day after, Alexei miraculously recovered. Some believed Rasputin possessed hypnotic abilities. Others argue that bleeding can be intensified under emotional stress, therefore Rasputin’s supreme self-confidence calmed the stressed Tsarina, and by keeping the doctors from touching him, allowed Alexei to relax, and thus the bleeding receded. Alexandra’s trust in Rasputin became unshakable, and she went on to call him Our Friend.
The Mad Monk Rasputin behaved very differently with his followers though, mostly women. He taught them that salvation was possible, only through redemption of the sin. And he offered a 3 in 1 deal: sin, redemption and salvation.
“My child, you think I’m polluting you, but I’m not. I’m purifying you”
Rasputin’s resistance destroyer line, when trying to get laid. 1913
Although for most of us, such a line has never worked at all, it did wonders for Rasputin. Some of the cuckolded men, proudly stated it was an honour that Father Grigori, had shagged their wives. Not sure ‘honour’ is a word that sane people use when a perverted mystic seduces their wives.
#5 RASPUTIN. A MAN WORTHY OF A MOVIE
When words failed, drunk and lustful, he would knock on neighbouring doors, begging for sex from any female residents: seamstresses, servants, and even the concierge wife. Often it ended with the incognito police officers who watched him, returning him to bed.
Hundreds flocked to his apartments, seeking Rasputin’s political and spiritual power. And he responded by issuing recommendation letters, in exchange for payment, but often giving the money away to the poor and destitute, keeping just enough for his daughter’s dowry. Sex was also a valid currency for female applicants.
Despite his charms over St Petersburg’s ladies, most of the aristocrats hated him, like Justin Bieber. With Tsar Nicholas away at the Front in 1916, Alexandra dismissed dozens of capable and much needed ministers. Simply because Rasputin didn’t like them, like some sort of political Tinder.
“Good men are swiped right by our friend. Bad men are swiped left by our friend”
Alexandra to Nicholas. 1916
#6 RASPUTIN’S DEATH
Jokes aside. Eventually, a group of royalists nobles led by Prince Felix Yusupov, lured Rasputin to Yusupov’s Moika Palace, on December 30 1916 (O.S. 17 December), with the pretext that he would meet Irina, Yusupov’s wife.
Yusupov brought Rasputin to the basement, where, like a drunkard at 3am searching for fries and kebabs, the starets gobbled up the poisoned snacks Yusupov offered him, seemingly unaffected. Out of options, Yusupov took a revolver and shot Rasputin in the chest. But the stubborn peasant leapt forward, kicking and scratching Yusupov. He played catch with the conspirators for a time, until, too tired to escape, received two shots and was left for dead. His body was wrapped in a blanket, and dumped into a hole in the frozen river Neva.
Yusupov spread the myth that Rasputin death’s was caused by drowning, but Kosoratov, the senior surgeon who performed the autopsy, stated the gunshot to his forehead, at close-range, was the cause of death.
Before his assassination, Rasputin had predicted to the Tsarina that the Romanov’s rule, and her son’s life, would end if he was killed. Sadly, Rasputin got it right. The deposed Imperial Family were killed by the Bolsheviks seven months later, in Yekaterinburg.
The Mad Monk’s corpse was exhumed and burned, after the Provisional Government took power in early 1917. But apparently, something survived.
#7 RASPUTIN’S PENIS PICTURE
In 2004, Dr Igor Kniazkin opened Russia’s first Museum of Erotica in St Petersburg, and it’s easy to guess which item gathered the most attention. Rasputin’s gigantic willy, preserved in excellent condition, appearing just like it did when he flashed it to the married women in St Petersburg.
I won’t show you a dead man’s penis! But if you want to continue with your perversions, you can visit the museum in St Petersburg, or check this detailed article about it:
Bad news however, for all of us who are eager to see his acclaimed, 150 year old penis floating in a jar. According to Kosoratov, when he performed the autopsy, Rasputin still had his tool of redemption attached. Additionally, Doctor Kniazkin never revealed how he acquired it.
Why somebody would want a 13 inches pickled penis, is another of the greatest mysteries related to the Mad Monk.